


Blind

by Dalankar



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 02:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sees it too late. Why had he been so blind? It's too late to change anything now, isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind

There are many things that Jiyong regrets. He just never thought one of them would be Seungri. Never thought he'd come to the point where he turns away from his own music because, guess what? It feels like all his songs are about Seungri. And if he looks back through his catalogue of songs, he knows he'd be able to trace a neat linear path from where they started until now. Until his second solo album. He doesn't understand how the world can't see. That all his songs are pieces of his heart, just out there in the open for all to hear. It seems painfully obvious to him that maybe this time he'd said too much, maybe this time someone will see and point at him and say, _I know your heart. I can see your soul _.__

His maknae is all grown up. His maknae doesn't need him anymore. 

Despite all his protests. 

_Hyung, I'll always need you._

Jiyong knows a lie when he hears it and lately Seungri's been telling a lot of lies. Jiyong remembers when it wasn't like this. When Seungri was the least deceitful person he knew. When he used to look at Jiyong with stars in his eyes. Until Jiyong chased him away because he’s never been able to hold on to things that are good for him. Except for his music. And sometimes he thinks the music might not be good for him at all. 

He tries to be unselfish and tell himself that this is good. This way Seungri can live the normal life he wants and Jiyong will always have pain to fuel his music. But sometimes he wakes up alone and reaches across the bed without thinking. The cold emptiness of the space beside him breaks his heart. Because there was a time when he could reach across and find a warm body that he would pull closer and fall back into sleep with. Before. When things were perfect. But Jiyong realised that too late. And now he wakes up alone and when Youngbae looks at him with worried eyes, Jiyong looks away and pretends he doesn't notice. Pretends he doesn't care when Seungri plays around with Daesung in rehearsals and practically ignores him until they are forced to interact. Pretends it doesn't hurt when Seunghyun throws an easy arm around Seungri's shoulders and says 'maknae is mine now' and Seungri would grin, eyes darting away from Jiyong's.  
He wants to be uncomplicated and forget all this. He doesn't want his heart to break everytime someone smiles a certain way at him.  
He remembers when Teddy first read the lyrics to his new solo song. He smiled a little at the words. 

___"Haven't let go yet, have you?" he asked in a quiet voice._ _ _

___"I can't."_ _ _

___"Has he?"_ _ _

___Jiyong twisted the rings on his fingers and looked away, wishing his heart would untwist itself already._ _ _

___"I don't know."_ _ _

___He thinks it should be easy to forget. Easy write these songs and then move on. Forget he was ever in love. Forget the sweet smiles and the strong arms and the way the world made sense when they were together. But Jiyong never takes the easy way out. He always takes the uphill, twisted road that takes him through dark valleys and painful paths. The truth is that he doesn't want to let go. Although he was the one to ruin it all, he still doesn't want to forget. He let Seungri in too close and it is too late now when he realises seungri has etched himself in to his heart._ _ _

___\---_ _ _

___"Maknae…"_ _ _

___Jiyong thinks Seungri will keep on walking but he stops. The others have already left so they're the only ones left in the practise room._ _ _

___"Do I need to practise more?" Seungri asks. He still hasn't turned around._ _ _

___Jiyong runs a shaking hand through his hair. He is so tired. And he's sick of it all._ _ _

___"Look at me," he says, pleads, "please."_ _ _

___Seungri turns warily, as if expecting Jiyong to attack him. But Jiyong only looks at him._ _ _

___"You know my new song is-"_ _ _

___"I know what it's about," Seungri cuts in before realising he'd interrupted his leader, "I'm sorry."_ _ _

___Jiyong ignores the apology._ _ _

___"Then you know why I ... you know why."_ _ _

___Seungri looks up at him and there is anger in his eyes._ _ _

___"That you were trying to protect me from yourself? That you think you're some sort of a monster that I should fear? That I should run away from?" Seungri says fiercely. "Do you really trust me so little?"_ _ _

___"I'm sorry."_ _ _

___"I loved you. But you broke my heart and you didn't even talk to me. You just made the decision on your own." Seungri is not loud but his voice is brimming with hurt and Jiyong feels like the whole city must hear his voice, feel his pain. "Why do you think you have do everything on your own? Why can't you tell me what you're thinking?" he asks softly._ _ _

___"You want to know what I'm thinking?" Jiyong asks, wondering if after all this time he's finally figured out how to fix this. He looks at Seungri, hoping he's brave enough. Hoping Seungri would want to stay after hearing what Jiyong has to say._ _ _

___"Yes."_ _ _

___Jiyong wants to duck his head, wants to hide from the earnestness in Seungri's eyes. But he knows this is his chance. His only chance to try to fix this._ _ _

___"You're killing me. I see you in every song I write, every note I sing, everyone I meet. It kills me Seungri, to know that I pushed away the person closest to my heart. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry." He knows it's not enough. Not even close. But he's always been better at speaking in songs and lyrics and normal conversations like this always left him feeling tangled in words._ _ _

___"Why are you saying this now?" Seungri asks and Jiyong hates that he can't read him anymore. He could before. He never had to wonder Seungri was thinking because every thought was etched so clearly on his face._ _ _

___"Because this song, it's not... I don't want to be like that motherfucker. I don't. I want to be someone you can be with, someone you can trust. I know this is all… I'd understand if you don't want any of this. I'm surprised you haven't left yet actually." He finishes awkwardly and waits for Seungri to turn on his heel and leave. Jiyong has just given him an opening after all._ _ _

___Seungri smiles. Slow and soft, like he used to. "Hyung, where would I go? I've always belonged at your side. Always loved you. Even when you said I shouldn't."_ _ _

___Jiyong wonders if he's hallucinating. That in reality Seungri never stopped to listen to him and Jiyong has been talking to himself all along. "Do you?"_ _ _

___Seungri closes the distance between them in a heartbeat. "I'm still here aren't I?"_ _ _

___Jiyong lets Seungri gather him closer. He feels himself relax and leans his head against the solid warmth of Seungri's chest. He can feel Seungri's heartbeat anchoring him._ _ _

___"Maknae." He closes his eyes when he feels Seungri's lips in his hair._ _ _

___"Still yours," Seungri whispers gently, "always yours."_ _ _

_The End. ___


End file.
